funny quotes

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.George Carlin

Billy Tauzin is one of the most interesting people in Washington. He is smart, funny, and interesting.Tucker Carlson

I am always drawn to men that are funny. I do not know why. But I am always drawn to people that are struggling with parts of themselves... But it's like in the end, there has to be confidence.Vanessa Carlton

The Midwest breeds funny, eccentric people, to varying degrees. You play shows not because you're expecting to get a record deal, but to do something fun outside of mowing lawns. Everything else is just gravy... Or mustard.Patrick Carney

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.Adam Carolla

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.Adam Carolla

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'Adam Carolla

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?Adam Carolla

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.Jimmy Carr

I don't need to convince anybody that I know kung fu, but maybe somebody needs to know that I really can act, without doing a Chinese accent or a funny walk.David Carradine

I play a female Indiana Jones, a professor who hunts down precious objects, like a bowl that belonged to the Buddha. They tailored the role to me: I wanted to be smart, funny, and to kick some ass.Tia Carrere

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.Jim Carrey

I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.Jim Carrey

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.Frank Carson

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.Johnny Carson

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.Johnny Carson

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.Johnny Carson