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Henny Youngman quotes
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.