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Woody Allen Quotes

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Woody Allen quotes

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.