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Steven Wright quotes

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.