QuoteItUp on Facebook

Tim Allen quotes

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

I do a lot of family shows.

I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

I have a thing for tools.

I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.