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Robert Benchley quotes

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.

We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.

The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted.

After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year.

Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it.

I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.

I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.