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P. J. O'Rourke quotes

Never wear anything that panics the cat.

People are always angry at America. They're absolutely certain that America either caused their problems or is deliberately not fixing their problems. But the anger is always directed at America and never at Americans.

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich.

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.

There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.

Never fight an inanimate object.

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.

Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.