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Groucho Marx quotes

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.