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Mitch Hedberg quotes

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.