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Mitch Hedberg quotes

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.