Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I like children - fried.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.