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Fred Allen quotes

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

California is a great place to live if you're an orange.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.