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Fred Allen Quotes

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Fred Allen quotes

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.