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Erma Bombeck quotes

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.