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Rodney Dangerfield quotes

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'