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Dave Barry quotes

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.