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Dave Barry quotes

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.