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George Carlin quotes

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

Electricity is really just organized lightning.