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Conan O'Brien quotes

I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere.

One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession.

Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.

The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

When all else fails there's always delusion.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

Fish recognize a bad leader.

Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.

Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42.

Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.

The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent.

Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.

I have an abacus at home.

In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.